What happens to a gift you refuse to accept?
You’re a loving, giving, sensitive person. You support the people you love generously. You appreciate them openly and tell them so. You share their genius with your friends, telling everyone you know about how wonderful they are, about the fabulous work they do.
You help them move towards their dreams in any way you can.
And then, one of them says something to you that feels like a door slammed in your face. Maybe they’ve just had a bad day.
Or maybe—just maybe—this is a pattern in your relationship.
You give, they take. And take.
They take as though it’s their right to receive from you. As though you owe it to them to give them whatever they want.
And when you don’t give them what they want, or do as they say, they lash out in ways that leave you feeling hurt and bewildered. Wondering what you’ve done wrong. Wondering why things went sour, again, so quickly.
You feel stupid, inadequate, small, defensive–maybe even angry. Or you leave feeling convinced there’s something seriously wrong with you.
Lately, several of my clients have come to me for help because they’re struggling with someone like this in their life. Does this pattern sound familiar to you?
How do you meet difficult people without closing down your heart, resisting them, being defensive, or trying to fix yourself, or them?
Let’s take a look at what’s happening here.
You give them gifts of appreciation, love and support. Maybe you also give them your fear of their unpredictable moods. And the gift of your attempts to placate them, to get them to approve of you.
Mixed gifts. Painful.
They give you gifts too. Pleasure, approval, delight when you give them what they want.
And when they don’t get their way? Contempt, dismissiveness, demands, threats. Attempts to bully or guiltify you into doing what they want.
These are gifts too.
So what happens when you refuse to accept a gift?
No blame, no shame. You simply and politely say “No, thank you”, and walk away.
The gift remains with its giver.
All that pain they’re dishing out? It remains with them.
In walking away, you give them another gift. The gift of being with their own pain. This opens a space of possibility. Which is the first step in healing.
And by saying No, thanks, to gifts that don’t support your heart, you give yourself gifts too. You get to encounter your own pain.
You get to love and heal those wounded parts of yourself that live in the shadow of your own inner judgments.
You get to give yourself the gifts of love, appreciation, support and kindness. Which then adds to the sum of loving kindness in the world.
Everybody wins.
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Wow. This is so profound. “You give them another gift. The gift of being with their own pain. This opens a space of possibility. Which is the first step in healing.”
That insight is going up on the bulletin board in my brain for a few days so I can let it sink in. Loved this post. Another wonderful gift I am very grateful to accept!
Hiro,
Your insightful words reminded me of a quote I once heard “unconditional love does not mean love under any condition”. It is amazing that many of us often refuse the gift of a compliment but we often accept the painful gifts that you describe. You are so right, some gifts are best left with the gifter.
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Right on! I’ve had this happen more than once in recent experience and thought I was being compassionate by subjecting myself to less than compassionate treatment. People in pain have a way of wanting to relieve it in unwholesome ways. There’s a hunger there to be seen, to be right all the time, to be the center of it all – to be FED. That’s great, as long as I’m not the one being eaten. It was a big eye opening moment when I realized I could be open and compassionate without feeding into other’s pain. I can’t do the hard work for anyone else, but I can be there in compassionate, wholesome ways. Great post!
susan ´s last post … Solar
Hiro, could you offer a brief hypothetical narrative illustrating the principle? I’m having difficulty envisioning how one might say “No, thank you” without inducing the reaction “Huh?”
“Maybe you also give them your fear of their unpredictable moods. And the gift of your attempts to placate them, to get them to approve of you.”
Wow, that really resonates with me. I realize that I have a pattern of this in my relationship with my husband. When he is in one of his “moods”, I tiptoe around on eggshells, and I hate the way my attempts to placate make me feel about myself (and they aren’t very useful either.)
Far better to just take care of myself, and let him work it out. My question is, how do I keep from being tied up “No thank you”?
oops…I didn’t finish my thought. How do I keep from being emotionally tied up in knots, even though I’ve said “No thank you” metaphorically by refusing to play along?
“The gift of walking away.” Huge!
I was riding the disability van yesterday with a driver who outwardly is friendly talkative, but who sucks energy like almost no one I know.
I was doing all the “right” things to take care of myself and appreciate his kindness, but still I felt trapped.
I thought about saying, “I’m really enjoying your conversation but I need to be quiet right now.” I was on my way to the hospital for tests & I could have easily made it about that.
I made the decision to just stop playing, to disengage completely. And, unusual for me, *not to explain myself* !
I’m not sure if he received any gift in that. But I certainly did.
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Mark, “No, thank you” begins as an inner response. You recognize, first, that you’re being given something that you don’t want. And then you make the choice not to accept it.
How you say No to the hurt that’s being handed to you will depend on the situation, on your relationship with the other person, and on what you need to do to remain true to yourself.
So your “No, thank you” might begin as a simple question, checking with your Difficult Person to see if your perception of what they’ve said is what they intended. Sometimes, that’s all that’s needed to open a healing conversation and to clear up a misunderstanding.
If, on the other hand, you’ve used your best Non-Violent Communication skills, told your Difficult Person how you feel when they say________, asked for what you need from them instead…and nothing changes, then you have a pattern of relating on your hands. Your No, Thank you might then take a different form.
It may be a physical action, like leaving the room. Or it might be a considered decision to end the relationship, or to find another job (if you’re dealing with an intractable boss), or to set clear boundaries on how and when you’ll engage with your parents or your spouse or your friend.
You decide what gifts you’ll accept, and which ones you’ll leave on the table.
If your Difficult Person hasn’t been listening to your attempts at clear communication, then their reaction to your No may well be “Huh?”.
Their reaction is not your responsibility.
Your responsibility is to make your choice consciously, in a way that’s consistent with your values and your heart. You can say No to the gift, while still holding the giver of it in love and compassion.
Hiro Boga´s last post … What happens to a gift you refuse to accept?
Shelley, that’s a great question: “How do I keep from being emotionally tied up in knots, even though I’ve said “No thank you” metaphorically by refusing to play along?”
You can begin by asking the part of you that’s squirmy and feeling awful, “Hey, sweetheart, what do you need right now?”
So if part of you is feeling guilty for saying No, or is scared that your husband will no longer love you if you don’t play along, then you may need reassurance, love, permission, safety.
These are all qualities of your inner being. You can ask your Self to fill your heart with these qualities. As you meet your need, the anxiety will soften and dissipate a little.
By meeting yourself where you are, with kindness, compassion and love, you’ll begin to build an inner sense of trust and safety. That will give you a foundation for a more honest, loving relationship with your husband.
Hiro Boga´s last post … What happens to a gift you refuse to accept?
Oh Hiro. What an amazing post – and very timely, since I’ve been working hard with NVC stuff today and a lot of this stuff has been coming up for me!
Thank you!
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Dear Hiro,
What an amazing post. And your timing! Thank you from my deepest self. But then, maybe we always have a Difficult Person helping us learn and grow so the timing for your ideas is eternally ripe.
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It is so easy to forget that the things that we do For Ourselves can be just as much of a gift for the other person.
Thank you for teaching a whole new way to look at these difficult relationships.
Victoria Brouhard´s last post … Hedgehogs, Dancers and What Ifs
thank you. this post is a gift – just what I needed to read for a relationship I am struggling with. now to let it sink in .. until I learn what saying “No, thank you” means for me.
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This is one of these posts that “seems so simple,” yet I’ve been sitting with it for more than a day and it’s still unfolding for me.
So now I get to ask myself, in any situation, “What is the gift here? Do I want to choose to receive it?” Such a powerful question.
Thank you for the gift of your words, and the thoughts that went into creating them.
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This makes so much sense of the way that my relationship has shifted with my mother. I just stopped accepting some of the less than helpful things she said. And then somehow she’s stopped saying them. Hmmmm.
Thanks. Must ponder more.
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Thank you Hiro for reminding me that the power resides in me – the power to accept or not.
Feels so freeing!
Great follow up questions and answers too X
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